Table of Contents For A Far More Interesting Book Than The One You’re Reading

Why do so many readers haunt libraries, old bookstores, strange corners of the world of electronic tomes? Why do we talk so much about the Universes of words?

It’s because we have a sense that, somewhere out there, there’s a book, maybe a dozen books, which are far, far better than the book we’re reading, and we want to read those books.

We can’t, because they don’t exist. Not in this reality, anyway. They can only be found in the peculiar ur-space of Books Which Might Be.

But given enough time, enough expert, and enough stolen alien technology, one might pull a piece of one of those works from the cosmic Aether and drag it into this world.

We don’t know the name of this book. But we know we want to read it.

Chapter 1: In which Alice falls through the Looking-Glass straight into Howl’s Castle, which turns out to have been in Hogwarts all along. “Yer a Wizard, Alice!” says Ford Prefect.

Chapter 2: Alice and Hermione meet up and it’s hate at first sight. They both engage in a war of pranks which nearly gets them both kicked out of Starfighter School until they realize that they need to team up in order to defeat the Wicked Queen.

Chapter 3: MORLOCKS! MORLOCKS EVERYWHERE!

Chapter 4: For some reason, there’s nothing in this chapter except soothing descriptions of cats being gently groomed with a very small comb. You’ll read it every night before you go to bed. Trust us on this one.

Chapter 5: There’s no place like home, but home is also seventeen gajillion miles away, so as long as you’re here, Alice is now all grown up and has space-wizard powers, which is a damn good thing, because of the whole Zombiepocalypse.

Chapter 6: The Morlocks have eaten the Zombies. Problem solved.

Chapter 7: Alice makes the long and arduous journey to Mount Doom in order to throw the Emperor into the volcano. This angers the Volcano Gods, who send Captain Hook after grown-up Alice.

Chapter 8: We’re not telling you what happens between Hook and Alice. Meanwhile, the Dark Armies gather.

Chapter 9: Alice reveals to Hook that she’s a Vampire, but not the kind who worries about sunlight or crosses or any of that stuff. Also, she sparkles. Hook kinda just stares off into space with a vaguely sad expression. This goes on for the next 8 chapters.

Chapters 8-16: Really, we weren’t kidding about the whole “staring off into space” bit.

Chapter 17: Hermione has meticulously spent her last several years teaching Defense Against The Dark Arts, while she waited for her dragon eggs to hatch. Cut to a view of the Earth from space. It’s in flames. The Earth is, not space. As Alice engages the warp drive in the ship Heart of Gold, she says, “I’ll be back,” but since she’s saying it into the eternal blackness of the vacuum between stars, nobody hears here.

Chapter 18: It’s just 300 more pages of kittens, starting now.

~Jeff Mach

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Here’s my novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN“.

And Evil Expo, the Villain Convention, is coming! Learn more!

Jeff Mach Written by:

“There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: Diary of a Dark Lord” is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. If you'd like to meet Jeff Mach, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, you should come to Jeff's new event, Evil Expo.

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