SPOILER ALERT: If you’re not familiar with the movie “Soylent Green” (or Harry Harrison’s original “Make Room! Make Room!” – I suppose this contains spoilers. On the other hand, since the movie Soylent Green is one of the few things in this world even older than I am (1973! Half a decade before Star Wars!
In the film, “Soylent Green” is advertised as high-energy plankton from the dying oceans. Spoiler: It’s not plankton! It’s processed from euthanized human corpses.
Fun trivia: The movie was loosely based on Harry Harrison’s novel Make Room! Make Room!, which had no cannibalism at all—just grim overpopulation. The filmmakers amped up the shock value, and it stuck forever. Or so I’m told. I’ve never actually watched it; my younger self was a huge Harry Harrison fan and I was frustrated that the movie was inaccurate.
This was a ridiculous view, but I’ve held a lot of those in my life.
By the way, I met Harry Harrison at a convention, and I had the pleasure of speaking with him a lot…he was, I believe, in his seventies or eighties at the time. I told him I owned every Stainless Steel Rat book, the entire Deathworld trilogy, “A Translantic Tunnel, Hurrah”, and several others. He insisted on signing every one.
They’re one of the things I miss most about the Flood.
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Soylent Green is PEOPLE?
No KIDDING.
We totally don’t believe you.
Sure, it tastes meaty and delicious. Sure, there are numerous ethical questions involved if it actually WAS people.
But, I mean, it’s plants. We’re living an ethical vegan lifestyle while enjoying the yummy, primate-satisfaction illusion of meat.
This is New York, lady.
We invented the 9 Heart Attack Burger, which is five hamburger patties slathered with mayonnaise, special sauce, white sauce, ketchup, and, for reasons I don’t understand, oregano, before being
covered with enough melted cheese to finance Wisconsin’s economy for a month.
You think we CARE what we put into our mouths? The basic, famous New York motto, available on any t-shirt in the Village, is “F’k you you f’king f’k.”
We’re New Yorkers. We are the most socially advanced people on the planet. We’re coastal elites. We determine the values for most of the country. Your Beautiful People are here. Your famous people are here. Your Broadway is here. Your journalists are here.
And let me tell you:
Every single one of those journalists goes home after a big huge fancy meal of Soylent Green at Sardi’s and tells everyone how THEY are saving the plane, THEY care about animals, THEY, at least, practice ethics.
Those journalists KNOW Soylent Green is ethical vegan food. Because these people are the most ethical people on the planet. They’ve written thousands of words about it (if journalists) or done hours of videos about it (if influencers).
So.
Fred disappeared?
Nobody liked Fred.
Missing persons are up? WAY up? Well, of course. They’re not cool enough for Manhattan. They’ve all moved to Teaneck, New Jersey and started chicken farms (where we’re SURE they don’t keep the animals in a full free-range lifestyle, those momzers.)
Soylent Green is ethical plant protein inexpensively sourced. And the more we eat, the more we’re committed to making sure you eat some too.
Ignore the loonies with the documentation and the photos and the evidence. All that stuff can be faked. Do THEY have prestigious journalistic outfits behind them? Sure, all those media sources stopped competing for news and started competing for views at least 15 years ago, but trust us, the New York Times is unimpeachably accurate. In fact, it’s EXTRA accurate because we’re getting so much healthy Soylent Green protein.
In conclusion: Soylent Green is FOR people. We’ve got some great recipes;
One disturbing note: You know that old style of drinking tequila where you put the salt on your thumb, then drink the tequila to deal with the taste?
Your thumb tastes a lot like Soylent Green.
This is a coincidence. Really.
Have more tequila if it isn’t.
Signed,
The Beautiful People of New York City
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