Brian Graupner of the Gothsicles was recently accused of kicking puppies, but he was also accused of eating them. He defended himself admirably by pointing out the obvious truth: Look, we all love puppies, but many of them are just way too tough. Tenderizing is pretty necessary if you want to be able to chew properly.
So Brian, like most canceled persons, does both: first, one kicks the puppies around the block a few times, and then one gets out the Grey Poupon. (A nice brioche loaf won’t go amiss here, and if you have time to butter it, you might find that the flavor is actually…but we digress.)
(The proper wine with puppy is, of course, Ultraviolet Buzzball.)
Now, about the bizarre rituals designed to bring about the end of Human civilization…
…look, I’m SORRY, but if there’s an abandoned building near you, and every pet in the neighborhood gives it a 5’000-foot pass, and it’s got some kind of hole in the basement which neither seems to end nor releases, once placed within, a single particle of light…
…it’s going to be busy on the weekends. Please do not let your teenagers make out there. The Gugs despise teens, and will sulk for weeks if they show up for a massive sacrifice of blood and acts of chaos and have to deal with a bunch of half-naked college kids listening to terrible music.
By the way, yes. Canceled people faked the Moon landing. We’re sensitive about this. We just did it, okay? We had our reasons.
Things canceled people hate: Love. Happiness. Friendship. Giggling babies. Sunshine.
Things canceled people like: Leftover 4-day-old cheese fries from that one diner you keep swearing you’re never going back to, but which you keep ending up at drunk at four a.m.
We’d like to hope that this helps, but, as canceled people, we’re incapable of feeling compassion. If you have a few minutes, though, we’ll criticize your fashion sense?
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