On Eating Other Attendees

TO: All attendees of Evil Expo

FROM: Certain unspecified but deeply important persons within The Management.


We would like to remind you at this time that the Pax Malefactorum is most specific in its prohibition of the consumption of other attendees.

(You should, at this time, already have sufficient recognition of why it is our policy that no harm come to our hosts, their extended familial groups, and, should such persons have the misfortune to find us there, other guests. But if not, it will be covered in other memoranda.)

Yes. Of course. We are every bit as human/inhuman/demihuman/humanlike as you are. We absolutely recognize the desirability, the fulsome flavorfulness, the utter deliciousness which lies within your fellow attendees. Of course we do. Obviously. We are famously without hearts—not without taste buds.

But there’s simply no help for it. While cannibalism, entire and partial, are both eminently sensible means of dealing with others, particularly one’s so-called “peers”, it simply can’t be permitted in this venyue. Aside from our copious notifications about causing harm to other attendees (and, once again, we note that, out of the dozens of reasons for this, we simply will not permit paying customers to come to harm; it sets a highly disturbing precedent)—fs

We simply cannot permit you to gain the powers, the courage, the intellect of your fellow attendees through ingestion.

Oh, on your own time, and in your own ways, as with all things, you may eat anyone and anything you please, always. We would never stand in the way of such a time-honored and essential part of our many cultures. Eat someone’s heart, gain their fearlessness; chew a brain, and increase your own dendritic passages with your own. Certainly. That’s just basic mad science/simple anatomical sorcery.

However, we must, once again, stress that should you be searching for these things from your fellow attendees, we recommend gaining them through conversation, companionship, conviviality, and, of course, having quite a lot of drinks together. In this manner, we further the spirits of togetherness which might allow our assorted criminal and mastermindedly consortia to rule this puny world for the past 3700 years or so.

Allegedly, of course.


With excessive, obsequious, and heavily-armed thanks for your greatly appreciated anticipated and soon-to-be-non-hypothetical cooperation,

Certain Nameless Elements of The Management

Cc: Nyarlothotep

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.