On A Slowly-Descending Stage Swing Which Starts At A Disturbingly High Height

Line, line,.. you know, I do appreciate you, and I wouldn’t have a job without you, and honestly, I’m going to regret this, but I’ve been regretting this since they told me about this scene, Which, to be honest, we never thought it was going to go this well. I mean, it’s not going well now, but frankly, I’m not actually sure if I’ve been delivering my lines in the first place.

Sorry. I would apologize for breaking character, but you really need to understand that this is dangerous. I should start at the beginning. I mean, what is this, eighty feet in the air? Eighty-three, to be exact. Of course they know. This is a finely-tuned and intricate mechanism, and one of the largest outdoor proscenium arches in the world, which I’m sure your programs have mentioned quite a number of times, and this whole gracefully-descending-on-a-swing is absolutely for the birds. I mean, literal birds, and I also mean the kind who can fly, not the emu lind.

I know.. We’ve got a good fifty feet here, ane I’m not even back in character. I’m sorry. Imagine that this is all happening in a sweet and adorable little-girl voice and I am, for some reason,a child completely uncaring that she is descending from the hypothetical heavens.

I mean, if I were a goddess of ancient Greece, coming down to solve the problem in the show, I’d at least be wearing a mask the size of a tower shield, and I’d know you weren’t looking at me.

The point is, I could die here. Which would be pretty unpleasant for you, but way more unpleasant for me.

What I’m saying is, I’m lucky that I’m lipsynching this whole thing.

Oh, I’m not, am I? I mean, I would have heard the lines. In fact, I’d have heard my microphone if it were on. Okau, I’m lying, I knew the microphone was on, I just got a better job offer, and I’m hoping I’ll be fired when we finally get near the ground.

Wait.

Wait.

WAIT.

WHY IS THE SWING RISING AGAIN?!?!