On A Pleasant Holiday Note, We’re All Doomed

Yes, that’s right, it’s me, Santa, the only Eldrich Horror who really DIGS human culture!

That IS unusual. Most of us (not that I think of anyone else as ‘us’; the kinship and affinity roles within Those Who Cannot And Must Never Be Conceived are really quite complicated)—why, most of us are too obscure in our theory-of-mind to even view our own existence, our own sentience, as you tiny, insignificant beings might. But not me.

I LOVE Elves! They’re yummy!

I LOVE making presents! The more time you humans spend consuming your own temporal existence with meaningless trinkets, the more those of us who enjoy your perpetual state of internal anguish can enjoy how you feel about EVERY SECOND you waste on stupid, pointless distractions away from oblivion.

OBLIVION? Hah! You WISH! You’ll be spending forever in the vast, unspeakable jellied-monstrosity which foolish humans consider “my belly”.

I do adore humans. You know, many of you think the “chimney” thing is a metaphor or a joke. You feel that way, until the chimney appears in your home…

….and there I am.

There I always am.

Because it is always Christmas.

And Christmas is always The End.







“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.