Someday, Monstrous Romance Day will, like Valentine’s, be forever be dear to restaurants and people who sell holiday cards. Until that happens, I shall just have to record our passion as it happens.
When I flapped my majestic batwings to the farthest port of the known World in order to bring you back the rarest of oils to perfume your bath, and you mentioned that you’d just asked me to nip out and pick you up some aspirin for your headache.. I will admit to being a touch miffed.
When you journeyed far into the Underdark to bring back the rarest, strangest Goblin fruits for the delectation of my table and the satiation of my hunger, I noted that I’d simply said I could use a snack, and pointed out that we had mini-pizzas in the freezer…This was not, I suppose, our best moment.
When we declared our love atop the very tallest peaks, shouting it through the mighty lightning storm which struck our castle and awoke our Frankensteinian monster, it was terribly romantic, but I must admit that it displeased both the local peasantry, and all of the wedding guests, the former of whom attacked our house with torches and pitchforks, and the latter of whom found the top of a mountain fairly inconvenient, and complained that they got really unflattering pictures of the ceremony.
When we both sipped that singular and wondrous tea, the tea which had been procured for us by our dear friend and boon companion Dr.. Jekyll, and both turned into beings strange and ravening and monstrous, savaging the countryside beneath the night of the full moon–
Well, that was just fun.. Let’s do it again sometime, shall we?
~Jeff Mach is the author of “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: Diary of a Dark Lord“