“And hast thou slain the Jaternič? If not, try this instead.”
-Not Lewis Carroll

This is a rare and wondrous recipe for Homemade Bohemian Jaternič, submitted by William Votava, who is responsible for all the good things herein. All the ridiculous ones? Blame me.)

As you know from Lewis Carroll, the Jaternič is a deadly and vicious beast which, it is implied, can only be slain if you have a magic sword and the ability to make it into Wonderland’s version of sausage and/or Scrapple. (Sure, he tried to disguise it by calling it a “Jabberwock”, but that was purely to keep more sausage for himself.

Bill’s got you covered, folks. Here you go:

3 hog snouts (no, this is an actual recipe. I know I joke around, but I’ve eaten at William’s when he had a restaurant, and I’m not going to mess with his instructions.

Ears, lobule and neck of hog’s head

2 to 3 pork hearts

Pork liver

2 pork tongues

3 loaves of dry, old white bread (I will say that I’d probably substitute garlic bread, because that’s how I am)

6 cloves of garlic

4 tbsps salt

1 large onion, lightly browned

1 tbsp marjoram, crushed

1 tbsp white pepper

1 tsp cloves

1 tsp allspice

1 tsp ginger

Cut the meats in fist-size pieces and soak in cold water overnight.. In the morning wash the meats, rinse in cold water, salt and place in a larger kettle, covered sufficiently with water.. Bring to a boil and continue boiling until the meats are tender.. Save the stock.. Debone the meats and chop or grind.. Keep warm.. Do not feed after midnight.

Soak bread in water and squeeze dry.. Grind the bread.. Mash 6 cloves of garlic in 3 tablespoons of salt (yes, in Jeff’s version, this is an unholy amount of garlic, and that’s how he likes it). Then add the onion and all other dry ingredients and mix together.. Add the mixture to the meats and mix thoroughly.. Stuff into casings and tie both ends with wooden skewers.. Strain the stock to a large kettle and bring to a boil.. Place the jaternicky in the boiling stock and continue to boil slowly for about twenty minutes.. Remove from the stock, rinse in cold water, and let cool.

To serve, fry slowly in a skillet until golden brown.. Delicious with boiled potatoes and sauerkraut.. Also very tasty with good black bread and red caviar; but what isn’t?

Alternately, one could be French about this: split a baguette, preferably still warm from the bakery. Slick the bread almost in half, and butter both sides (we recommend Absinthe Garlic Butter) and then add the meat.

Also goes well with Allen Lebowitz’s Fried Borogove: (A Recipe Adaptation):

Make or purchase your favorite dough. Roll it flat.

Slice up some bacon and truffles, and add some smoked borogrove; if you don’t have any of that, add a bit more bacon. Wrap up the dumpling, fry (also in butter), and then, if you’re worried about cholesterol, take another layer of dough, wrap it in that dough, and fry THAT in butter, at which point, your cholesterol should be so high that worrying is pointless. We’re pretty sure this is what Borogoves taste like in the wild, except a bit more mimsey.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.