(Yes, this is INSTANT COFFEE because we are EXTRA VILLAINOUS. I guess you could use real coffee, but if you already know you’re going to do horrible things to your caffeine source, why go halfway?)

1 cup hot water

3 tbsp powdered milk

2 tsp espresso instant coffee

1 sachet honey ginger tea

1 tsp, Tabasco Sauce

1 tsp, cayenne pepper

(Add other spice IF you want. I enjoy a bit of Coulson’s Mustard Powder, but I also enjoy

NOT ANY, NOT EVEN1/100th OF A TEASPOON of Dr. Burnorium’s Psycho Serum. Really. I looked this up after the third time I drank some. Weapons-grade pepper spray has LESS spice than this stuff. Burnorium Sauce should be used the same way I use a flame when cooking meat for myself and nobody’s watching: I just wave a lighter at the stuff to scare it, and then I shut the lighter and eat. [Note: THIS IS NOT A DARE. I promise, I LIKE YOU ALIVE AND WANT YOU TO BUY MORE BOOKS, unless you’re one of my enemies, in which case, you’re too cowardly to eat this stuff.] If you are a SERIOUS spice fanatic and you do not have medical conditions, and you really must try it, USE THE TINIEST AMOUNT POSSIBLE. For real. Take the warnings on the container seriously. Wash hands THOROUGHLY after handling Psycho Serum. If the amount you’re using looks ludicrously tiny, IT PROBABLY ISN’T. I eat spicy food semi-professionally, and a tablespoon of this will put me on the floor faster than a blow to the solar plexus. Trust me. I’ve tried both. The solar plexus one is easier. You can substitute any insane “Not To Be Used For Cooking” hot sauce, but seriously, anything over 5 million Scoville units WILL potentially kill you except in TINY doses, so you’ll REALLY want to save it for when the Heroes are visiting.



 Add everything into cup and stir. chill or add ice if desired. warning: spicy like very.


  • One reason I like instant coffee is that it’s a sin against all that is decent and right in the world, and it lets me get a head start on a day of Villainy.
  • Yes, almost everything in this recipe is powdered. That makes it perfect for bunkers, desert outposts, and moonbases.
  • You can always add more spice; but remember, at a certain point, it stops being coffee, and starts being caffeinated pain.
  • Really, in my experience, Dr. Burnorium is perfect. NOT FOR DRINKING! Just for intimidating other hot sauces into behaving.

Goes well with:


Hellfire S’mores

A little Hellfire, a touch of brimstone, some chocolate, some giant marshmallows, a few lost souls, and voila! S’mores.

p.s. I solicited actual recipes for Hellfire S’mores, and it turns out that there are about a billion S’mores recipes out there. I realized that what I could add was less ‘an unusual recipe’ and more ‘a better philosophical approach to the idea of eating the life-forces of the Damned with chocolate’.

p.p.s. It should be noted that, if one takes the theology of C.S. Lewis seriously, as I do, eating a damned soul would deny that soul to the Devil, who would be extremely, extremely upset. Therefore, I humbly submit that, philosophically, regardless of where you fall on the subject of Lucifer, this recipe is guaranteed to make SOMEBODY unhappy.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.