9 Favorite Villainpunk Toasts

It’s difficult being the Toastmaster for gatherings of Villains. While it is a baseless canard that Villains will attack or kill each other at the slightest provocation (come now; unless we assume that all Villains are foolish or suicidal, why would anyone go to a party which might result in one’s regrettable demise, with one’s work half-complete and one’s henchpersons standing about, unsure whether or not to press that big red button labeled ‘Doomsday’?)—it is true that Villains are, at best, a difficult audience. The Orange Menace recently addressed the Assemblage Of Not Very Nice People, and tried that whole “Champagne for my real friends…” line. They’re still picking shards of Piper-Heidsieck bottles out of her cloak.

Still there are a few surefire lines which will get everyone raising a glass and nobody pointing a disintegrator ray. (Or at least, if they do, your death will probably be swift enough that you won’t even notice, which is the next best thing). For your Villainpunk edification, we’ve presented them here.

10. “So drink deep, dear friends, and worry not; I wouldn’t waste good poison on you. That’s what the alligators are for.”

9. “Someday, the stars themselves will bleed forth the oozing, incomprehensible shapes of Those things which have long been gone and which, through our efforts, shall return. And on that day, may they eat us all quickly, and get it over with!”

8. “Near,
Wherever you are,
I will never forget you
That’s why I bought this bar.”

7. “May the half-life of our friendship and camaraderie be inversely proportionate to the projected life-spans of the foolish so-called ‘Heroes’ who even now bang on our door, unaware that the only thing on the other side is a tribe of particularly ill-tempered Scottish werewolves.”

6. “In joy we assemble,
In joy do we meet;
In Hell, look me up;
I’ve booked a penthouse suite.”

5. “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and that definitely means more whiskey for us!”

4. “I’ve plundered the land, and each of the seven seas,
Met giant spiders, murder sharks, and mad killer bees
Even been attacked by carnivorous trees…
But I’ve never seen faces as ugly as these.
Let’s drink until we forget why we wear masks, comrades!”

3, “May you live a long, happy, productive life while those stupid Heroes are still chasing you through the malaria-infested jungles of Hoboken, and may they finally realize you’re alive only after the governments of the world have given in to your demands and each and every Hero realizes that, when they get home, they’re going to be shot out of a really large cannon aimed at the Moon. Or some moon, somewhere; we’re not really gonna aim that carefully, to be honest.”

2. “To a high wind in your sails, a high tide ‘neath your prow, a high moon above, and High Piracy ahead!”

  1. “To (permanently) absent enemies.”

~Jeff Mach


We’re building a culture of Villainpunk, one bit at a time. Because Villaipunk’s not just a way of life, it’s also a way of death to all who dare oppose our unholy reign of evil. Plus, you get to wear a cloak!

Here’s my book. You could totally buy it.

Here’s Evil Expo. You should go.

Here’s…I can’t even.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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