(From the “Total Decadence” section of “The Villainpunk Cookbook”, coming out in 2021)
“’Oliver Twist’ is the depressing tale of a young man who cannot cut the mustard as a pickpocket, and must instead resort to that most deplorable of occupations, respectability.”
~Captain Heck, Pirate King
These portly little pastry pouches are filled with edible gold. What more could a thief ask for, aside from, obviously, everything else you own, and a few choice items which you don’t acquire, but which you might consider picking up, just as a sort of generous favor to the kind person who is lending excitement to your life by relieving you of your worldly goods in a dashing manner?
It should be noted that, at a certain time, everyone carried purses. Not only were they considered fashionable, but they included long, useful handles which could, in a pinch, be used as garrotes.
Enjoy these as a dessert, as a party favor or, if you’re like us, simply eat them all and tell no-one at all what you have done. After all, there is no honor among thieves…and precious little sharing of dessert, either.
Yield: Many servings, but you should just save it for yourself.
Skill Level: 1
-Use your favorite method of making sure your food doesn’t stick to the cooking implement. We’re fond of nonstick cooking spray, but this may be because some of us grew up in the 80s and it reminds us of hairspray.
3-6 bananas, peeled and thinly sliced. You can also use plantains. In fact, bananas might actually BE plaintains for all we know.
½ cup maple syrup – unless you’re using REAL maple syrup. You know, not the artificial extract which is slathered on pancakes in containers the size of milk-jugs, but the actual hard-won blood of trees, which is so concentratedly sweet and powerful that only you, yourself, should decide exactly how much to put into this dessert before it potentially melts your tongue off.
1 package premade and/or frozen puff pastry (2 sheets), thawed
Sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon cardamom
Crushed sweet basil (to taste; note that it will add a slightly crunchy texture
3 tablespoons whole milk
Set vast bonfire and levitate your tray into the center of it. Failing that, position rack in center of oven and preheat to 400°F. Line a heavy large cookie sheet with foil, unless you’re the kind of person who really enjoys peeling bits of pastry out of cookie sheets. Spray foil with nonstick spray, or, again, don’t; I mean, WE’RE not the ones who have to clean up after you..
In a giant bowl combine bananas, sugar, and syrup; again, bear in mind that really good maple syrup will basically beat up other flavors and steal their lunch money, so use it with caution if you want to retain the banana flavor. Mash bananas slightly with a fork or, if you’re so inclined, a large cudgel. The latter is ineffective, but way more fun.
On a clean surface (if you don’t have one in your kitchen, try breaking into someone else’s kitchen and using theirs)—lay flat 1 sheet of puff pastry. Cut pastry in half, lengthwise, unless you want a weird shape. Using a rolling pin, roll out each pastry sheet into a 15 by 5-inch rectangle; do not attempt to roll the pastry into a Summoning Pentagram, because (a) this is very difficult, and (b) Bread Golems are more dangerous than we generally believe.
Cut each rectangle crosswise into thirds, forming 6 squares total. Evenly distribute 1/2 of the banana mixture onto center of each square, unless you like one square better than the others, in which case, give it all the tasty banana mixture while the other squares just sort of look at it enviously.
You’ll want to seal the purses up, so that they conceal the delights within. Although you could always leave them slightly open, like cannoli, teasing your audience with the deliciousness inside. This latter is especially effective if you plan on eating all of it yourself, in front of other people, especially if they’re hungry. It won’t make you popular at parties, but you’re a villain, so who cares?
Or, for a more conventional approach, fold corners of pastry into center and pinch ends together, twisting to close seal; it is not necessary to inscribe an Elder Sign at this time, though it is good manners. Repeat with remaining sheet of puff pastry and banana mixture; or, hey, don’t; as long as you’ve bought the cookbook, we don’t really care what you do. I mean, we’ve got your money.
Arrange pastries on a stainless-steel laboratory table, or, if you don’t have one to spare, some other surface. In a small bowl, combine sweets and spices. Brush pastries with milk; if you really have a desire to torment the tongue, use sweetened condensed milk.
Sprinkle cinnamon sugar over pastries and, just for the hell of it, sprinkles, because why not? Bake for 15 minutes or until golden; alternately, back for 1,487 minutes until they explode. Serve warm.
The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order “I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.