A Guide To Day-Drinking In 2020

(Note: While, near the end of my marriage, I found myself matching my husband drink-for-drink – so that, on a night out, we’d have five or six drinks, say – I’m actually quite careful about drinking. The satire below is largely for parodic effect. Alcohol is not a solution to 2020.

Not unless you mix it with fire, anyway.)

5. Remember, as long as it’s a brunch-style cocktail, it’s perfectly okay to have it in the morning. Mimosas? No problem! (But watch the calories and sugar – that’s a hangover recipe right there.) Myself, I prefer a gin Bloody Mary, made with Spicy V-8. It’s full of the vitamins you need to get through your day. It’s basically health food, and it’s important to stay healthy in complicated times.

4. Beware one of the prime perils of Day Drinking: If you drink too much during the day, you might run out of alcohol in the cold dark watches of the Night. Don’t let this happen to you.

3. Alcohol actually creates more problems than it solves. On the other hand, many of the problems it creates are a great deal more fun than the problems you’re trying to avoid. I mean, obviously, avoid operating a damn motor vehicle; but obviously you should tweet more. Try to be as controversial as possible by saying things like, “I don’t necessarily hate everything about my country” or “Sometimes, the other side has some sensible ideas,” or even, “It is possible that some members of some political parties are not actually evil reptile monsters cleverly disguising themselves by wearing human-like faces”. You could always wake up to find yourself canceled, and then the fun really starts!

2. Monitor your alcohol intake. The correct parameters are: drink until the news doesn’t make you angry any more, but don’t keep drinking to the point where the news starts to make sense. That’s just a recipe for alcohol poisoning.

1. Do what I do: drink to absent friends, and present enemies. That way, you’ll never run out of reasons to take shots.

Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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