*By Melvin Oakenshield, Master Miner of the Deep Vein, Keeper of Seventeen Active Grudges, and (reluctantly) a hopeless romantic*
Ah, beardlings. Sit down. Pour yourselves a flagon. Not the cheap stuff — the good stuff, the one we’ve been aging since the last time the mountain shook and we all thought the world was ending. We’re going to talk about love.
Yes, love. I know. You expected me to say “grudges” or “gold” or “properly tempered steel.” But even we dwarves, stubborn as the stone we mine, have soft places in our chests. They’re just buried deeper than most, guarded fiercer than any hoard, and when they finally open… well. We don’t do anything halfway.
Dwarven romance is not some flighty elven moon-gazing nonsense. It’s not hobbit second-breakfast courtship either. It’s warm, it’s generous, it’s greedy in the best possible way, and it’s rapacious about the things that truly matter: a good partner, a shared mine, a lifetime of fine ale, fine gold, fine hammers, and the quiet, ferocious decision to keep each other.
We fall hard. Once we decide you’re ours, we’re *yours*. We will hoard your laughter the way we hoard mithril. We will defend your honor with the same stubborn fury we reserve for ancient blood-feuds. And we will bring you the finest things we can dig, forge, or trade for — because nothing less is worthy of the person who makes the mountain feel a little less heavy.
**Rule One: Be Honest, Be Direct, Be Generous**
We do not play games. If you like someone, tell them. Look them dead in the eye and say something like:
“You swing that hammer like you were born to it, and every time you do I feel the mountain itself approving. I’d like to share a vein with you someday — and maybe more than that, if you’ll have me.”
It’s simple. It’s sincere. And it shows you’re willing to give them something real: your time, your labor, your loyalty, your gold if it comes to it. Dwarves respect that.
**Rule Two: The Beard and the Hoard Are Sacred**
Compliment the beard. Mean it. A well-kept beard is a sign of pride and care. And when you admire their hoard — their tools, their small collection of particularly fine gems, the way they’ve arranged their favorite mugs — you’re saying you see what they value. That you want to be part of it.
Greed, done right, is just deep appreciation. We love fine things. We love them fiercely. If you love the same things, or better yet, love *them* enough to want to add to their collection of fine things… well. That’s halfway to a proposal already.
**Rule Three: Gifts Should Be Thoughtful and a Little Rapacious**
Flowers die. Pretty words fade. Bring them something lasting: a perfectly balanced new chisel, a small but flawless ruby you spent three weeks hunting, a cask of mead you aged yourself because you remembered they like it extra smoky.
We are greedy for the good things in life. Show them you understand that. Show them you want to pile those good things up together.
**Rule Four: Grudges Can Be Romantic**
Nothing says “I’m in this with you” like taking on their grudges as your own. If they’ve been nursing a particularly fine one for seventy years, ask for the full story. Listen like it matters — because to them, it does. Then offer to help them settle it, or at least stand beside them while they do.
That kind of loyalty? That’s the dwarven version of flowers and poetry.
**Rule Five: ROCK AND STONE, and also… soft things**
We are loud. We are stubborn. We roar “ROCK AND STONE!” when we’re happy. But we also know how to be quiet. How to sit beside someone in the dark of the mine and just breathe the same stone-dust air. How to share a meal in comfortable silence and feel like the whole mountain is blessing it.
Love, for us, is both the roar and the hush. The hammer strike and the gentle hand on a shoulder at the end of a long shift. The greedy desire to keep someone safe and the generous willingness to share everything you have.
**A Final Gentle Warning**
If you court a dwarf, know this: we don’t fall lightly, but once we do, we fall completely. We will guard you like the finest vein. We will bring you the best of everything we can find or make. We will be greedy with your time, your affection, your laughter — and wildly generous with our own in return.
So if you’re going to love one of us, love us like we love gold: fully, fiercely, and with the quiet understanding that this is forever.
Rock and stone, friends.
May your beards grow long, your grudges grow shorter, and your hearts find someone worth sharing a mountain with.
— Melvin Oakenshield
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As told to Jeff Mach
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