If you’re like me, you’re probably a damn weirdo, but that’s a different story. More importantly, if you’re like me, you’ve probably read a lot of fantasy stories which talk about what are now some of the more classic beings in sword & sorcery universes. Yet there’s a subject which has gone unaddressed by even my favorite fantasy authors, like Tolkien, Le Guin, Diana Wynne Jones, Moorcock, Fritz Leiber, and Tanith Lee:
What are the most common “last request” meals, on average, by species, for beings of various fantasy species who are about to be executed?
Sure, you might say this has gone unaddressed because it’s morbid, pointless, impossible to write about in an accurate way, and of no real interest to anyone. And you’d be totally right. And yet I wrote a few hundred words about it, and here you are. We might as well do this thing.
NOTE: Stereotyping by race is bad. But I’m not doing that. I’m stereotyping by fantasy races which don’t exist, but if they did, they would, literally and by definition, have to be quantitatively different from each other, or they wouldn’t be separate species.
OTHER NOTE: I have a massive collection of old fantasy and science fiction books, and a compulsion to write ridiculous things, and I’m not sorry.
Besides, what Dark Lord doesn’t study criminology? After all, how can we commit unspeakable crimes without knowing what things are crimes?
Also, some of us are…chatterboxes.
I might plead guilty to that.
And this is just what’s common. Unusual things happen sometimes. For example, we once knew a Tiefling who asked, unaccountably, for blood sausage.
We had him detonated long-distance, obviously.
A Very Brief But Extremely Scientific Study, Conducted In An Imaginary Journal, Of Last Meal Requests From Various Fantasy Species
HUMAN: Cheeseburger with all the trimmings. French fries. Large cola. Uranium-glazed chocolate cake.
…if those things haven’t been invented yet, I’ll wait.
ELF: Human.
TIEFLING: None. I shall die as I lived: impossibly incompatible with any sane ecosystem.
DROW: Drow.
DUNGEON MASTER: I’ll just take the table scraps from the most popular sword & sorcery films of my childhood, like always.
HOBBIT: You’d think it would be “everything”, but actually, I shall go to my doom starving, and cursing Frodo with my last breath.
DWARF: Rare roast gold on a bed of mixed greens and pickles, with a side order of macaroni ‘n gold.
ORC: Nothing for me, friend, but my brethren? Oh, they shall feast upon your still-beating heart.
Here’s my new book, “Villains, Villainy, and Villainpunk: Monstrous Microfiction”.
Here’s my first novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN“.
And Evil Expo, the Villain Convention, is coming! Learn more!
