Many Useful Toasts For When You Really Need To Drink…But Politely.
Dwarves
“May you find gold at the bottom of your glass.”
“A toast to what lies beneath, and its precise market value as of 9:28 p.m. today.”
Goblins
“FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM”
[And in a very small voice]: “…one.”
Elves
“May those of you I somewhat like be immune to this particular poison, and may the rest of you enjoy this extremely fine vintage.”
Orcs
The Orcish Queen raised high her glass
(No easy feat: Orcs make glasses out of Glass golem meat.)
“I propose a toast!” she said, “You all (or some of you) know What it’s for, if you recall.”
Indeed they knew. The custom (or really: “excuse”) Was for the Queen to raise a glass And the Executioner raise a noose…
More Dwarves
“May your beard be ever long and your grudges ever longer.”
“If you die before me, I get your mug.”
Vampires
“I never drink… wine. But I’ll happily drink to your continued circulation.”
Diversion #2: Fantasy and Science Fiction Drinking Etiquette
Drinking With Ambassadorial Jedi
Drinking with Jedi is a great deal of fun. With the possible exception of the part where they refuse to drink at all. (Among their other ridiculous beliefs, Jedi
believe you have shame.)
Drinking With Cats
Ah. You’ve found a cat which is willing to reveal to you that they drink. It must trust you. Or you must have some very good whiskey. Either way, congratulations. You will never see the cat again after tonight, and you will never
get that whiskey back.
Drinking With Writers
Yes, please.
Drinking With Musicians
I’m sorry. You somehow found a musician who left you any alcohol?
Excursion III: Drinking With Various Magical Creatures Redux
DRINKING WITH VAMPIRES
Right, you’ve heard they never drink…wine.
Wine coolers, on the other hand? It’s embarrassing. And one of those blue bottles of MD-2020? Oh, that will have your dignified, tuxedoed Count hobbling onto a chair, thumping his feet to the table, and beginning to sing “My Way” before falling off and dissolving into 100,000 very, very confused, very tiny bats.
DRINKING WITH DRIDERS
It’s difficult to drink with Driders. They’re already drunk when you see them; if you were a Drider, wouldn’t YOU be drunk?
DRINKING WITH DIONYSUS
[We’d tell you ALL about drinking with Dionysus.
No myth, no tale, no spectacle addressed by the most fantabulously mad Roman emperor, no words or images or even thoughts could adequately convey what it is like to drink with Dionysus.
But we’d do our best.
…if we could remember any of it.]
DRINKING WITH RUMPELSTILTSKIN
- Buy Rumpelstiltskin three gin toddies.
- Ask him his name. He will loudly shout “I WON’T TELL YOU IT’S RUMPELSTILTSKIN.”
- Offer him one more gin toddy. Possibly two. Possibly none.
- He will then go up to every single person in the bar and bet them a drink that they can’t guess their name.
- He will get increasingly frustrated and bet increasingly expensive drinks.
- If you’d like us to summon Rumplestiltskin to YOUR pub, bar, or other establishment of hospitality, call us.
DRINKING WITH DEATH
On the one hand, there are only two reasons one normally drinks with Death, and one is if you are one of her close friends and you hang out with her a lot.
If it’s the OTHER reason…at least she’s probably buying.
DRINKING WITH JEFF MACH
“You start without me, I want to write this down first.”
DRINKING WITH GELATINOUS CUBES
(They don’t drink!
They ABSORB,
you rubes!)
DRINKING WITH BEHOLDERS
So many eyes! And all confused! Each arguing with the others.
Be around a drunken beholder? Not if I had my druthers.
On the other hand, I’ll take 9 angry eyes in 9 seconds flat
Over the 7 drunken dragon heads
of Goddess Tiamat.
DRINKING- WITH GREMLINS
Don’t.
Comments are closed.