I believe it is theoretically possible to grow up near New York City without ever having seen a bagel, but I suspect it would involve closing your eyes a whole lot.
I have, to be honest, worried about writing lists, simply because I avoid AI in my writing (as I mention in other places, outside of any other, probably larger questions of ethics and utility, I want my writing to be my own, for better and for worse–not that of some machine)… and AI is great at generating lists.)
But here I am, in a bagel shop, and I had to write about it. I promise this is all Human-built. An AI wouldn’t use anywhere NEAR as many em-dashes as I do.
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In my lifetime, I’ve seen bagels go from “Plain, Sesame, or Raisin”, to “blueberry”, “chocolate”, “lox-flavored”, and so on, in as many combinations as food science can create; and food science seems to be able to do just about anything with flavor. (Although what that actually does to the body, I don’t want to think about.)
Here are a few types of bagel which I DEMAND be created RIGHT NOW. Food scientists, get to work.
Fresh-Squeezed Orange Juice Bagel: You know, it currently costs about as much to buy six ounces of fresh-squeezed orange juice as it used to cost to buy an entire pizza? (And yes, that’s taking inflation into account. I was in college in 1998, and I could get a deal on pizza with three pizzas for $16 USD then, from Rutgers’ “2 For 1 Pizza” place…which wasn’t even the cheapest pizza in New Brunswick, just the cheapest pizza that I considered good to eat in a town that essentially lived on the stuff.)
While bagels are not exclusively a breakfast food, they’re probably best-known for the first meal of the day. If you go somewhere even a little fancy, they’ll likely offer you the aforementioned fresh-squeezed orange juice, but it’ll cost more than the bagel WITH cream cheese. That’s just silly.
Not anymore! Now you can get the satisfying, filling doughiness of the bagel, with all the deliciousness of fresh-squeezed orange juice, and without all the sugar and extra calories.
(Note: Does not cause cancer, as far as we can tell, but HAS induced a reasonably fair number of laboratory rats to grow extra limbs. We don’t see this as a problem, but the government requires us to mention it.)
Human Bagel: Ever been REALLY, REALLY curious about what cannibalism would be like, but have the misfortune to live somewhere that makes it illegal, immoral and/or gross? Worry not! Absolutely no humans were harmed in the making of this bagel! It’s 100% exactly like the taste of human flesh!
Please do not ask us how we know what human flesh tastes like.
Whiskey Bagel. We’re not talking about a whiskey-flavored bagel here, although it is that, too. We’re talking about a bagel that’s full of whiskey*. You know, ordinarily, these two things are foes. Eat a bagel before drinking whiskey, and your stomach will fill up with bagel and absorb less alcohol; you’ll need to buy more whiskey, which is both expensive, and bad for you. Here, you can have the whiskey and bagel together, so that they synergize; you get full AND drunk at the same time! What could possibly be a better breakfast*?
Smooth Jazz Bagel: Ever had a stressful day, but no ability to access the soothing, technically-jazz elevator music they used to play in dentist’s offices and elevators? Now, when you eat this bagel, your brain will start playing smooth jazz continuously. And we do mean CONTINUOUSLY. Forever. You’ll never stop hearing it. It’s like a bad-tasting Everlasting Gobstopper that bypasses your ears and goes straight to your brain! You’re welcome!
Credit Score Bagel: Have trouble doing the things that will help you acquire/maintain good credit? Just eat this bagel! If you have a great credit score, it tastes great! If you have a bad one, it tastes awful. Positive AND negative reinforcement for your finances, not from your wallet, but right from your mouth!
Not recommended for those with credit scores under 627.
Cream Cheese-Flavored Bagel: Have YOU ever eaten a lot of cream cheese by itself? Me neither, because that would be insane. BUT! What if you ARE insane? This would be a great choice for you! Plus, you can order it with cream cheese, if you’re REALLY out of your head. Tell me this isn’t one of the best terrible ideas on that planet. You know it is.
Snail Bagel: Is it a bagel made of snails, or just a bagel flavored like snails? We’ll never know; nobody in the lab is willing to try it. But we’re sure it would be a huge hit in France.
Chinese Food-Flavored Bagel: It’s an old joke that Jews traditionally love bagels, a food we are believed to have created; and also love Chinese food. Well, this taste exactly like Pork Lo Mein. It’s actually Glatt Kosher, too, which means that our Orthodox Jewish friends can have the delicious taste which we crave, without technically violating the laws of their religion. Ess a bissel, eh?
Incredibly Bad Luck Bagel: a lot of people worry that they’ll have a bad day. Worry no more! Eat this, and EVERYTHING will go wrong. You can predict it in advance, so you don’t have to stress about whether things will get screwed up…you KNOW they will!
(Warning: May cause difficulty with other people, your health, the planet Earth, and the entire Universe, as well as The Fates as individual and collective entities, Fate as a concept, and fatalism, which generally accompanies this bagel.)
Fortunately, it will also pre-emptively empty your bank account, so you’ll be unable to order it. Whew! That was close.
Good thing these stories are free, isn’t it?
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If you enjoyed this story, keep a look out for Jeff Mach and A. Goblin’s upcoming book, “A Goblincore Guide To Life”. We’ve said that at the end of every piece for the last several pieces. We promise to go back to promoting our other books shortly. Honest.
* I no longer drink, but this is still obviously a brilliant concept. Somebody should make it happen.
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