Drinking With Ambassadorial Jedi: Drinking with Jedi is a great deal of fun. With the exception of a few broken, defeated former warriors, Jedi really don’t drink. But they sure do moralize. Play a luttle game with yourself. Invite them to meet you at a seedy bar for an important discussion, preferably of something very important to them. Just as you’re about to make a point, shoot a shot or take a huge pull of your beverage. Your average Jedi will NOT be able to avoid moralizing.
If you play this game carefully, you will manage to get about halfway through the actual information and fall over drunk on the table. Not only will you not need to give up the information, but the Jedi is pretty certain to contemptuously fling payment on the table, possibly on your head, in an effort to shame you.
(Among their other ridiculous beliefs, Jedi believe you have shame.)
DRINKING WITH CATS. Ah. You’ve found a cat which is willing to reveal to you that they drink. It must trust you. Or you must have some very good whiskey.
No matter how much you drink, the cat will not act differently. You, however, will eventually adopt a superior if languid smile, put your head in your paws, and stare at those around you until they feed you or make you more intoxicated.
DRINKING WITH WRITERS: Yes, please.
DRINKING WITH MUSICIANS: I’m sorry. You somehow found a musician who left you any alcohol? Get me their number; I want to marry them.S
DRINKING WITH ANCIENT SUMERIAN CHAOS DRAGONS. Ahhhhhh, that’s how Tiamat destroyed Hyperborea. Somebody bet that Tiamat couldn’t drink an entire lake of whiskey.
Reasons I believe in magic: Somebody once had the ability to make whiskey happen in such vast amounts that they’d waste it in a lake.
DRINKING WITH INHUMAN ROBOTS. Yeah, they may not drink, but you can do tequila shots off their stomach nodes.
DRINKING WITH SENTIENT BOTTLES OF SINGLE MALT. Never do this. Never, ever do this. Every bottle of single malt loves single malt, to the point where, every once in a great while, they drink themselves. But usually, when two or more single malts gather, they attempt to drink each other. NOT PEACEFULLY. NOT KINDLY. They only gather when they’re very desperate and they’ve either put together a truce or a war. Truth to tell, there’s seldom a difference. You could bring your own non-sentient single malt; we recommend drinking it quickly and getting out of there. Every drop of sentient single-malt tells a story, like every drop of blood, if most sentient bodies contained a whole lot less blood, and it could never be refreshed, and it was intoxicating, and they were all addicted to it.
DRINKING WITH JAGERMONSTERS: The alcohol will be unspeakable, the hangover will be beyond names, and the entire battle will be a blur, but you can get bitten by as many almost-pretty Jagermonster women as you’d like. And they won’t stop drinking at the time.
DRINKING WITH GREMLINS: Before or after midnight?
DRINKING WITH THE VAST BUT MINDLESS HUMANOIDS WHO SWIM ENDLESSLY THROUGH THE RUINS OF DAGON’S UNNAMEABLE CITY:
We can’t describe this, but we can totally recommend it.
DRINKING WITH PEOPLE WHO ENJOY EVERCLEAR. Go ahead. Lock your face in place. Take the shot. Pretend you’re not going to die. Have some reason for why you’re staggering. The aliens pretending to be some sort of human, the ones who like Everclear, they’ll hopefully be deceived for you long enough to get to a phone.
Not that “I’M DRUNK WITH SPACE MONSTERS” will really help anyone. The emergency dispatcher will have a great story, though.
DRINKING WITH UNDISGUISED SPACE MONSTERS. Bad news: If they’re here to drink, it’s because they’re hoping to have one last fling on Earth’s excellent bars before they demolish it to make way for condominium. Simply take them to a tiki bar–anywhere where at least half the drinks are flaming will do–and by the time they’re heating up their pork bits, they’ll probably realize that nobody but Earth would invent this kind of food, and destroying it would be impractical.
Comments are closed.