More Cursed Items The Dwarves Made Loki During The Brief Time They Served Him

Sometimes, I almost wish the Dwarves had continued to worship Loki.

Almost.

• The Hammer That Screams “I COULD BE MAKING CHEESE!!!” Every Time You Miss. What’s really disturbing is where the mouth is.
• The Ring That Makes You Propose Marriage To Every Horse You See Except That One Really Petty One At Ms. Pettigrew’s That You Really Like
• Boots of Sprinting Directly Into Traffic While Yelling “WHEEEEEEEE”
• Sword of “Hold My Beer and Watch This” (explodes on contact with anything flammable, including your own pants)
• Crown of “I Am Literally the Smartest Person Alive Right Now” (grants +12 Int for 1 round, then -20 Wisdom for the rest of your life. Note that the +12 int sometimes comes back randomly, but you’ll never have the wisdom to use it.
• Gauntlets of Strangle-Hugging (squeeze for massive damage; also squeeze when you’re happy, sad, bored, or just looking at someone. Be careful to NEVER grab your own throat and NEVER EVER SHAKE YOUR OWN HAND.)
• The Axe Named “TIME TO MAKE SOME MEMORIES!!!”. Critical hits 25% of the time, but you begin crying uncontrollably about how you’ll never forget this moment for 3-6 rounds.
• Necklace of Endless Dad Jokes That Physically Hurt (each pun deals 1d4 psychic damage to the nearest living thing)
• Shield of “NO YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BACK” (blocks one attack per day; then refuses to let go of whatever just hit it—forever)
• Wand of “Accidentally Summoned 47 Clowns” (50% chance the clowns are hostile, 50% chance they’re just disappointed in you)
• Helm of the Thousand-Yard Thousand-Mile Stare (grants darkvision; also makes you unable to blink for 8 hours)
• The Belt That Eats Your Pants At Midnight Every Night For No Reason
• Dagger of “I’m Not Mad, I’m Just Disappointed” (backstabs for triple damage if the target called you “buddy” in the last minute)
• Cloak of Dramatic Hair Flip (grants +5 to Intimidation; causes permanent wind machine sound effect around your head)
• The Goblet That Turns Any Drink Into Warm, Very Flat Mountain Dew (curses the drinker to say “this is fine” every time they take damage)
• Staff of “I CAST FIST!!!” (melee spell attack that always crit-fails into your own face)
• Amulet of Screaming Internally (silences all sound you make; instead everyone within 60 ft hears your inner monologue at max volume)
• The Pick That Mines Your Own Sanity (deals 1d6 psychic damage per swing; after 20 swings you start roleplaying as a kobold)
• Gloves of Involuntary Jazz Hands (cast spells with somatic components; must jazz-hand the entire time or the spell fizzles into confetti)
• The Relic Simply Called “NO” (once per day, when activated, everything within 30 feet—including you—simply stops moving and says “no” for one full minute)

There are those of us who believe the Dwarves were better off with Loki.

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