A Collection of Dwarf Humor
(For Research Purposes, Of Course)
For those of you who appear to love Dwarf Pickup Lines and some of that other Dwarf humor and other fantasy/scifi humor and satire, I’m about to try to do a bunch of things I hope you’ll enjoy (My upcoming weird, satirical Dwarf / Dark Lord fantasy novel has…a bunch of its own ideas about Dwarves. I think you’ll like them. But in the process of writing it, I’ve done a ton of research into other Dwarf and fantasy/scifi humor. I have collected a TON of quotes (some, but not a lot, being my own – I apologize, I was reading and saying, “This is funny, I’m glad I found it…wait, I WROTE this fifteen years ago?”) – so I added stuff like that.
Because apparently you people can’t get enough dwarven nonsense.
We start with the classics and get a tad weirder.
“All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming ‘Arrrrrrgh!’ and axing their legs off at the knee.”
“Well, here’s one Dwarf she won’t ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox!”
“And I’m a bearded Gnome!”
“All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.”
“There is nothing, Lady Galadriel,’ said Gimli, bowing low and stammering. ‘Nothing, unless it might be – unless it is permitted to ask, nay, to name a single strand of your hair, which surpasses the gold of the earth as the stars surpass the gems of the mine.”
“Nice blade, elf!”
“There’s a dwarfish saying: ‘All trees are felled at ground-level’ – although this is said to be an excessively bowdlerized translation for a saw which more literally means, ‘When his hands are higher than your head, his groin is level with your teeth.’”
“Dwarves are not heroes, but a calculating folk with a great idea of the value of money; some are tricky and treacherous and pretty bad lots; some are not but are decent enough people like Thorin and Company, if you don’t expect too much.”
“The dwarf bread was brought out for inspection. But it was miraculous, the dwarf bread. No one ever went hungry when they had some dwarf bread to avoid.”
“Use yer heads! A barnyard goose tastes better ’an a wild one cause it don’t use its muscles. The same oughta hold true for a giant’s brains!”
“I need no axe to be a dwarf. Nor do I need to hate trolls. What kind of creature defines itself by hatred?”
“Hear all ye Elves! Let none say again that Dwarves are grasping and ungracious! Yet surely, Gimli son of Glóin, you desire something that I could give? Name it, I bid you! You shall not be the only guest without a gift.”
“Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they’d seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat.”
“It’s true you don’t see many Dwarf-women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for Dwarf-men.”
“..There were two undeniable truths in the Realms: It was very easy to overestimate a drow and even easier to underestimate a dwarf.”
“By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect ‘Hungry’.”
“I asked for one hair from her golden head. She gave me three.”
“Bruenor’s birthright demanded that he lead the armies and retake Mithril Hall, that he sit in the throne he had been born to possess. But it was in the very chambers of the ancient dwarven homeland that Bruenor Battlehammer had realized the truth of what was important to him.”
“Are you a dwarf?” “Are you a giant?” He said. “Me? Of course not!” “Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes.”
“So dwarves shall die, and light the night for our delight, Ya hey! Ya-harri-hey! Ya hoy!”
“The craft’s occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn’t. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf’s word for what lay at the other end.”
“Of the Seven Dwarfs, the only one who shaved was Dopey. That should tell us something about the wisdom of shaving.”
“Ye turnip!”
“Dwarfs can make a typewriter sound like a battalion of tanks. A dwarf typing is a sight to behold.”
“Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul!”
“To lose is to die! You may win a thousand fights, but you can only lose one!”
“Dwarfs are very attached to gold. Any highwayman demanding ‘Your money or your life’ had better bring a folding chair and packed lunch and a book to read while the debate goes on.”
“Memory is not what the heart desires. That is only a mirror, be it clear as Kheled-zâram. Or so says the heart of Gimli the Dwarf.”
“Let no man, and no fiend, ever try to separate them again!”
“Silverfish looked down. ‘Oh. Are you a dwarf?’ Cuddy gave him a blank stare. ‘Are you a giant?’ he said. ‘Me? Of course not!’ ‘Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes.’”
This collection is ongoing and updated whenever I find new material (or invent it late at night while surrounded by empty tankards).
Use responsibly. Do not taunt dwarves. They have axes and centuries of practice.
— Jeff Mach, Professional Trouble-Maker & Amateur Dwarf
________________
(The above is not my work. But if you want to check out my work:
[…] See also: A Collection Of Dwarf Humor – For Research Purposes, Of Course. […]