The Gelatinous Cube
A gelatinous cube?
Don’t be a rube.
With enough fireball,
It’s just lube.
Basilisk
The Basilisk
Is rather a risk
And very, very difficult to whisk.
Its gaze of stone
When met on its own
Will calcify your flesh and bone.
Our moral’s this:
When things get hairy,
Leave the Dark Lord’s sanctuary.
Because your fate will seldom vary:
We’re in need of statuary.
Acerak the Demi-Lich
Some Great Wizards live after death
For magical research
And some seek power through Necomancy –
O, let the Zombies lurch!
Seeking knowledge, seeking power,
Motives to become a Lich.
Then there’s Acerak, who sticks around
Just to be an annoying bitch.
Dire Wolves & Star Wars: A Brief Crossover
Each Dire Wolf was ridden by a Warg
Until the Dire Wolves fed them to the Borg.
The Slayer of Orcs
I admit that Orc
Tastes quite like Pork.
The meat’s not that exotic.
What you might find scary –
Is my rating culinary
Or is it erotic?
Ask the Stars why they must shine,
Or the lamp why it needs wicking.
But never will I explain to you why
My Orcs all need more licking.
Red Dragon
The Dragon, Red
Raised its igneous head
And lashed its menacing tail,
“Knight, take your sword
Of your own accord,
And prepare to burn and fail.”
The Knight agreed,
With his trusty steed,
That the Dragon would likely roast them.
So they fled with haste
Lest they be crushed to paste
And all their healing spells ghost them.
(Yes. This posits that the Dragon would both set them alight, and crunch them into blocks. We think this is likely. Speaking of which, can we interest you in a Knight-flavored protein bar?)
The Grand Vizier and the Throne: A Dark Lord’s Lament
The Grand Vizier
Has disciplined hair
Slick and austere and shiny.
The Grand Vizier
So wants my chair
And doesn’t even care that it’s mine-y.
Mycanoids
The Fungus Folk
(The Mycanoids)
Are on my list
Of must-avoids
No axes, spears, or claws;
They bear psychedelic spores
Please no truffle pizza, friend.
They make LSD seem like it’s s’mores.
They’ll turn you into zombie thralls
Or maddened raving lunatics.
And don’t even talk about the Drow
Who harvest them for cash and kicks.
Fungoids are burnable
Much more than they are chokeable
The entire species went extinct
When Mind-Flayers found them smokeable.
A Kobold Encounter
This Kobold has spent twenty years studying Zen;
Its Armor Class is negative-ten.
Its Vorpal Sword is really sharp.
Somebody who hates you
wrote this LARP.
The Grell
We just won’t talk about the Grell.
And trust us, really:
It’s just as well.
The Slaad
The terrible tale of Sweeny Slaad
He served a dark and hungry cod.
The Tarrasque
We wrote an extensive, descriptive, witty poem about The Tarrasque
Unfortunately, it’s all in Basque.
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