Dungeon Doggerel Dimensional Distension

One night, over @darklordjournal, I decided to respond to a few tweets about classic RPG monsters.

The Cryohydra

The #cryohydra

Will have rapidly died ya,

breathing verglassine deads

from multiple heads.

Gulguthra

The Gulguthra has no sense of smell,

And from how it looks,

That’s just as well.

Ustilagor

Never mate a Ustilagor
With any Manticore.
Don’t ask;
You’d rather not know any more.

Ustilagor are the size of brains
And prey by causing mental strains
They’ll follow you as predators
And, for brains, they will eat yours…

…then Mind-Flayers on THEM will pray:
About YOUR brains
…what does that say?

The Owlbear!

The Owlbear! Six parts wisdom! Nine parts hair! Your shoulders and your ears they’ll pare! They’re so ugly it isn’t fair: The Owlbear! The Owlbear!

Zorbo

The Zorbo is cuter than your spouse.
Whom it just ate. The dirty louse!

The Froghemoth

The Froghemoth
Of the Barrier Peaks
Inspires more than sufficient “Eaks”.
Sort-of frog, sort-of Kaiju
Eight hundred times too big to ride you.
When it’s encountered, mages stutter
When it’s eaten, use lots of butter.

Sussurus

“Sussurus: A Youth Mis-Spent”
Is a popular bestseller
among the discriminating adult Ent.

The Gibbering Orb

“Take a beholder, strip it to a floating meatball, and crank the insanity to eleven. The gibbering orb is a sphere of quivering, pinkish flesh, about five feet wide, hovering ominously. Its surface is studded with dozens of rolling, mismatched eyes—some human, some reptilian, all blinking out of sync. Mouths full of jagged teeth pop open and shut all over its body, spewing a cacophony of screams, laughs, and nonsense that can drive you mad. It fires off random magic from its eyes, like a disco ball of chaos. It’s less a monster and more a flying war crime.”
-Grok 3, summarizing the Epic Level Handbook Edition III

The Gibbering Orb runs faster yet
Trying to avoid being a metaphor for the Internet.