986 Rules For People Who Have Been Driven Mad By The Necronomicon And Are Not Good At Counting To 13

13. It is a base canard that one cannot study The Necronomicon and retain some grip on sanity. It is merely a book. Were books capable of driving us mad, imagine how often one might stumble out of a library, an abandoned bookstore, the site a ruined temple whose bloody and unthinkable worship predates Sumer in something darker, stranger, and whose merest vestigial memory lends terror to the back of the minds of each and every one of us.

12. And logic dictates that we likewise promulgate and assess the opposing view. Should works of such power exist in our Universe, what makes us think that we would be capable of even assessing them, let alone drawing from them enough understanding of the Cosmos to have the mercy of being driven out of the torment of one’s own mind?

11. Besides, none of these things are true. I’ve been having the loveliest chat with Azathoth, Whose foul exigence extrudes throughout all known being and permeates all speed and time. And he says that everything is perfectly tickety-boo, so why worry?

X. Who are we to define ‘madness’? Some are thought to be mad because they are a tad gloomy, and some are thought to be mad because they have spent the past sixty years laboriously unearthing some Thing beneath the benighted and forgotten cellars of their moldering familial estate. Basically the same thing.

[this rune is technically a number but is not permitted to be drawn in spaces where human eyes might make contact with any of its outer edges, much less the sign which lies in its center.] 

7. Shoggoths make better lovers.

6. This simple and easy recipe merely requires an inchoate primordial sludge, such as that which must have formed when the Things from another place first cast Their perceptions into this tiny, pitiful little space humans inhabit; some garlic, some pepper, a little broiled Mi-Go filet, and a good dollop of butter.

V. The 9th Side of the Great Pyramid of Giza is really lovely during this part of the year, isn’t it? You get such a lovely view when the icy Moons of Leng suddenly rise behind it and pull you into space through your retinae.

[if this number had a name, or, indeed, a number, it might be four.] Euclidean Geometry is just so terribly limiting, isn’t it? Why must we be limited to going upwards when we go up, downwards when we go down, and to various points in spacetime at various points in spacetime? How arbitrary!

3. They say Arkham Asylum is particularly cheerful at this particular time in the Mayan Calendar. Asylums are a good place to be at the end of the World. In my experience, they’re quite focused on the idea that your problems can’t be  primarily real, and must be within your own mind. This is normally distressing, but it’s extremely comforting as Reality begins patiently unraveling itself.

2. Honestly, the Necronomicon is a bit dry at points. But I probably shouldn’t have doodled in the margins.

  1. Those weren’t margins.

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[I write things. You can find some of them on Amazon.]

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market & Spectacle. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN", or "I HATE Your Prophecy"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.