When I was younger, I wanted the same things out of love as everyone else: I wanted a perfect, flawless Unicorn, just like on a tapestry.
After one unicorn-horn heart puncture, though, one learns that there are things far more important than something shiny.
In fact, one can begin to realize that when all the world thinks something is shiny, the thing itself may lose its sense of proportion, or its sense that others exist for any reasons other than to re-affirm how very handsome it is.
As the old song goes,
“If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a Unicorn your wife;
From my personal scrying pool,
I prefer Goblins, Orcs, and Ghouls.”
#5. The Monster in your Closet, by definition, hides in your closet both diurnally and nocturnally; it emerges quite rarely, and only on certain evenings. Therefore, it is statistically extremely unlikely to catch you on a bad hair day.
#4. Similarly, The Monster In Your Closet has already seen your closet. Is it tidy? Disorganized? Is there something within which makes you embarrassed or distressed? I mean, more distressed than the aforementioned Monster in the aforementioned storage space? Not to worry; the Monster knows, and doesn’t judge you.
#3. They say you should befriend your fears, which is often good advice. The Beast in your Containment Area is definitely a problem, and if befriending is good, surely dating is even better?
#2. We tend to strongly overestimate the degree to which we ought fear that which is unknown. This is a natural impulse; if you’re not sure how to assess a threat level, why not treat it with maximum caution? This was probably useful when our worlds were fairly small; a little village of a hundred people, for example. In contrast, in the time it took you to read from the end of Reason #3 to this sentence you’re currently experiencing, the world has created more human information than existed throughout all of recorded history. When your problem can be explained as “Is that a sabertooth tiger outside, or not?”, it’s vital to be really careful until you have the answer. When the problem’s more like, “Is that a sabertooth tiger outside, or, alternately, is it any one of ten tousand other things?” …then you probably oughtn’t try to figure each and every single thing out before you let yourself relax.
#1. This piece is actually a paid advertorial by The Closet Monster. And I ain’t ashamed of it, either. I mean, I wouldn’t accept the sponsorship if I didn’t really, truly believe in the product. I’ll level with you: I’m sure The Closet Monster is biased by self-interest, and I’m biased by the fabulous wealth the Closet Monster has given unto me (oh, sure, most of it is in the form of pocket lint; but I really like lint)—but seriously, if you’ve already tried dating humans, you know what I’m talking about. I can deal with Monsters when I know they’re Monsters; it’s the ones who claim to be human, and talk about how much they hate Monsters, who are secretly the worst monsters of all.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
My new book, “I Hate Your Time Machine”, is now available! Go pick it up!
