This is totally a standalone piece, and not in any way a plot to soften you up and make you psychologically unready for the next piece, “Nine Misbegotten Fairytale Endings”. Okay, I’m lying about that; the Misbegotten Endings are rather longer than the bits below, which are really more like “Thirteen Ridiculous Bits You Can Substitute For ‘Happily Ever After'”. I don’t think this piece will end up in the book; it’s just some silly things which started messing about in my head while I was writing lists of dystopian fantasy stuff. But that’s fine; every life needs a little more silliness in it, I think.
13. “And the Road went ever, ever on, until it was demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass.”
12. “She awoke to find it had all been a dream. Maddened with frustration, she went forth and strangled the author.”
11. “Given the threat of the Wicked Enchantress, it seemed only logical for the Prince to renounce the crown and go fishing.”
10. “To hell with THAT noise. The Princess rolled over and, with a satisfying and earsplitting snore, went back to sleep for a few hundred more years.”
9. “We’d say they all lived happily ever after, but we’ve got like 17 sequels to sell, so we’re just going to end on this cliffhanger here. Somebody lives, somebody dies, and it’s probably not the ones you’d prefer. Sorry.”
8. “…until the bulldozers arrived.”
7. “And that’s how Melted Thrones became such a staple of Dragon diets.”
6. “It did not occur to her until much later that “cut it out” had been referring to the behavior, not the heart.”
5. “Slowly, the rode off into the sunset, but they went much too far, and now the twilight realms are their only home.”
4. “This is why the Kingdom has a lot of silver crossbow bolts, and very strict leash laws.”
3. “Soon thereafter, life began to ooze forth from the Primordial Soup, muttering something about needing salt.”
2. “…but the whole thing turned out to be a fairly pointless metaphor, so who cares?”
1. “So it was that, at long last, the entire Realm had the opportunity to feast on tentacles, and they were divine.”
