Zombiepocalypse Strategy

It’s days like this that you know you should put some time into preparing for the Zombiepocalypse.

You know it’s coming. You know you can’t escape it. You know you have to be ready. So…why aren’t you preparing?

Today is the day.

It’s okay to pity the neighbors. Yeah, some of them may be laying in pitiful little stores of food. A few of them may be purchasing headshot-ready weapons. (Is your one neighbor, the one who can’t seem to operate a lawnmower, really preparing to take on zombies with an axe? I mean, I’m bad with lawnmowers myself, but an axe? What’s that going to do? Decapitation is difficult. Even if you have good training and the right weapons. I mean, the badass woman down the street with the Kenjutsu training and the beautiful sword she hand-sharpens, the one she trains with every day? She’s still got a terrible plan and she’s still gonna hate the outcome, but at least she’s trying.)

You, on the other hand, you know what’s what. And that means…you’ve got some choices to make.

Because they’re all gonna die screaming, in seriously unpleasant shock and horror as a horde of zombies catches them, brings them down, and devours them.

Gross.

No, friend, you know where it’s at: get bitten once, survive, and join the horde.

C’mon, there’s really only one way to lose at a Zombie Apocalypse, and that’s to be eaten by Zombies. I mean, duh, right? It’s not a skeleton apocalypse. Obviously, if they chew all the flesh off you, you’re not going to rise again as one of the undying horde.

So the question is, how are you going to get this right?

The first thing is to make sure that you’re not longterm exposed to multiple zombies. Because if there are too many of them, you won’t be able to prevent them from actually killing you, and most likely, if they kill you, they eat you, and you’re finished. (Literally, figuratively, etceteras.)

What you need to do is isolate one zombie. And that seems really hard to do. Unless you’re lucky enough to be there right at the beginning, when nobody knows what’s going on and zombies are rare, you seldom get them alone. They’re a very social bunch, which will presumably be of some comfort to you later on, when you’re a brain-nibblin’ monstrosity.

No, it’s just too risky. What you need to do is pretend to be a hero.

I don’t mean that you necessarily need to be a Villain. I mean, while I personally can’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to be a Villain, you don’t have to say, portray your companions. You should definitely learn some survival skills. Can you get good with a sword? Or if that’s not your speed, or doesn’t fit your athleticism, maybe guns or bombs or, say psionic powers? Or get really good at making traps?

Basically, do something that’ll help you survive long enough to found/be found by some collection of evolutionarily-selected survivors who have the guts and the toughness and the fightin’ skills to survive.

They’re doomed, of course. You can’t have, like, six people and expect to escape a world full of zombies. But it’s okay. Don’t tell them that.

Once you’re in the group, you’ll get into plenty of fights. Then, all you gotta do is just get bitten, but not die.

This should be no problem for you. First off, you’re with a group, so they’ll all try hard to save you. (And you might as well save them, too; I mean, if they all get chomped, you’re back at square one.) But second, plucky bands of post-Zombie-Apocalyptic survivors seem to be totally incapable of NOT having at least one person get-bitten-in-tense-fighting-and-not-die.

It’s some sort of law of nature or something.

Now, I’d recommend letting them know about it. Don’t tell the hothead; you’ll just get put out of your misery, which is the last thing you want. But also, don’t just leave it and wait (impatiently!) for your transformation. That will do you no good; I mean, even if you don’t like your ‘teammates’, you don’t want to suddenly go full zombie right in the middle of a team of zombie-hunters.

No, go for the big drama. Say, “I’m sorry everyone, but this is for the best. I have to leave.” Some will try to talk you out of it. Somebody might speak optimistically of a cure. Gently inform them that there’s no cure and the risk is too high, and try not to roll your eyes enough that they notice. Let them pack you a lunch if they want; that’s very sweet.

Then, just spend a couple of hours not getting eaten. You’re almost there….

….and finally, you ZOMB OUT! You’re a brainless, neural-matter-eatin’ Zombie now! You’re safe from Zombies because the one thing Zed don’t eat is EACH OTHER!

(Hopefully.)

Now go out there, you brainless undead monster, with not a single care left in the world, no student debt, no worries, no concerns, and no real ability to die because you’re already dead. Go out and be the mindless killing machine you’ve always dreamed of being.

You EARNED this.

~Jeff Mach


 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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