The Greater Death Spell

The Greater Death Spell is incredibly complex, requiring decades of study and tens of thousands of gold pieces.

Just kidding! We try to make you believe it’s really difficult because the Guild of Necromancers is, technically, legally liable if you wake up one morning to find row upon row of neatly-stacked corpses instead of, you know, the City that used to be there.

But in today’s magic-soaked world, all you need do is say “Death!” in a forceful, high-pitched voice. Falsetto will do.

Everyone within hearing range, except (usually!) you will fall over like cordwood after it’s first made the acquaintance of a hard-swung hatchet.

But don’t worry about it. Death is totally curable, at least as long as you cast a spell of Longterm Temporal Stasis. True, most practitioners below level 19 have no such ability can do such a thing, but they assure us that anyone they’ve thusly trapped have made no complaints at all, or, indeed, any other motions, through the entire time of the spell’s duration, which is approximately 2,000 years.

We’re pretty sure they’ll revive just fine after that, albeit they’ll owe a great deal of tax.

So yeah, ever since last night’s newspaper article, everybody knows how to make this spell. But don’t worry. Depopulation of most habitations has reached no greater than 110%, and we’re certain that the ability to slay anyone at will won’t affect anyone; or, more specifically, it won’t affect anyone who’s still alive next week, albeit we have no idea who in the world that would be.

So just remember, “Death, death, DEATH DEATH DEATH!” It’s powerful, it’s sorcerous, and it solves all of your problems, except loneliness, and let’s face it: we’re human, we can be lonely in the biggest crowd there is. It’s one of our superpowers. Mass necromantic destruction of our fragile human shells is, in comparison, pretty damn trivial, don’t you think?

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.