Some Real Definitions

Memories are like ghosts—there’s one in the room right now because 50 years ago, somebody was murdered and never avenged; and now you’re going to get shanked by a spirit.

Muscle aches are like a victory dance—the kind where you were so excited about the “victory” that you forgot about the “dancing” and you ran into a wall.

Regrets are like ashes—if your Scotch isn’t sufficiently peaty, try a nice cocktail with some fresh ashes and lemon bitters. Yum!

Dragons are like Dragons. There was a writer who tried to compare them to something else, once, and now, no-one even remembers that person existed.

Sleep is like death, only you have to get up and go to work.

Death is like sleep, only you STILL have to get up and go to work. Goddamned Necromancers…

Thrills, chills, and spills don’t actually go well together; they just rhyme. Some things seem like they should be grouped in one place, but they oughtn’t; blood wine and blood sausage, for example.

Darkness is purely metaphorical. There’s no such thing. The twin suns have been exchanging places in the sky with perfect precision for thousands of years. And eclipses are just urban myths, like the Zombie Apocalypse.

The Zombie Apocalypse is only about eight months out. Bide your time. We’ll get there.

Joy is just one side of a coin; the other side is pain. They’re that close. And you never know what will happen if you flip that coin, because this is the Future and nobody uses coins anymore.

The Future is not actually THE Future, it’s a Future, in competition with other Futures to see Who Can Be The Most Dystopian. The secret is, NONE of them want to be dystopian. Each just thinks it’s what they’re SUPPOSED to be and is worried that the others will shame it if they fall out of line.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and wafts back to you on a light breeze, making you slightly high.

Tea pretends it’s way more sophisticated than coffee, because that’s its only natural defense against someone putting coffee in it.

The Pen is not mightier than the sword; that’s just short-sighted. The Pen is mightier than everything.

There’s no time like the Present, which has become the Past as you were reading this, so you might as well quit worrying and have a good time, regardless of whatever’s going on out there.

Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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