Some Fake Necronomicons

We’re all familiar with the prevalence of fake Necronomicons. Indeed, if anything, it’s quite rare to find any examples of the real thing. I know that for myself, every time I spot one at a garage sale and reach out for it, the very geography of the Cosmos shifts in a manner indescribable in the feeble languages of Man, yet with a visceral truth which my treacherous heart can scarce deny, and I end up grabbing yet another copy of K.W. Jeter’s “Fiendish Schemes”.

Still, it’s pretty easy to get the imitators, the cash grabs, and, obviously, the psyops from another dimension. Here are a few of my favorites.

The Necronomicon With The Elder Sign On The Cover

Right. So the Elder Sign blocks the Great Old Ones. If this were a book about them, it probably wouldn’t have a variant version of their bane on its face.

The book is, as any occultist will tell you, a practical joke. A fairly elaborate one, since it contains what appear to be well-researched, effective Babylonian magick for calling malevolent spirits to you.

All of the summonings.

But none of the bindings.

The Necronomicookbook

There’s a pretty good Necronomicon cookbook out there.

And the recipes are authentic, too.

They’ve just changed the meat involved.

The Necronomicon Book of Astrology

You know, the precise alignment of the stars and planets of this Universe have a very specific meaning which affects your entire life and future. That meaning is absolutely nothing at all, which is Humanity’s “future”, as well.

Nyarlothotep’s Guide To Stamp Collecting

This is actually completely, authentically written entirely by Nyarlothotep.

And it is, indeed, about stamp collecting.

Enjoy it?

The Original Necronomicon Workout

Not many people confuse this with the actual Necronomicon, especially we generally assume that ancient texts don’t have pictures of Shoggoths on treadmills.

But I’ll give them this much: I’ve never read an exercise book which gives you this much motivation to run.


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Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.