Dragon’s Blood: Sanguinary Pecuniousness

HOBBIT: Little did the Dragon know that THIS princess was prepared. She had made an extensive study of Dragon Lore! (Takes another pull at his drink, walks off.)

PRINCESS: For the record, I’m prepared. I’ve made an extensive study of Dragon lore.

DRAGON: You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s the most boring subject there is, other than the nightly reminders to pick our teeth in case anything inside is accidentally alive and might steal our treasure. You studied us? What a waste of your highly limited youth. The majority of beings on this windswept beach think you’re an idiot.

PRINCESS: There are only two of us.

DRAGON: Yes, but I outweigh you by eight tons. I am clearly the majority of sentient being here, and one fine piece of Dragonmeat, if I say so myself.

PRINCESS: Why don’t we resolve this in a civilized manner?

DRAGON: Murder?

PRINCESS: Conversation..

DRAGON: …has anyone ever told you what civilization IS?

PRINCESS: Eat me or listen to me. I don’t care at this point.

(The Dragon sweeps off his hat, which is impressive, as he isn’t wearing one.)

DRAGON: Go on.


Have you noticed my blood is as blue
As the noble firmament?
Bluer than aquamarine,
You could paint the whole sky with my life’s fluid
And still not nearly be spent.


I haven’t noticed that for a reason quite simple
Your blood is as red as a pox-planted dimple
Your blood is the same as poor farmer Giles
Who, unlike you, has already run away several miles.


That may be so – but look at my frame
All other contenders should now leave the game
You could barely fit three of me into a sack
I’m sure I’ve got the blood you need to fight knights and fly back.


Do they breed you for idiocy?
I’d have believe so, except (believe me)
If they were trying to fail, all your wise men
They’d fail at failing again and again.

You’re not skin and bones; your bones stretching skin
I’ll get no sustenance from something so thin.
This whole deal is traditional; and that’s all it is.
And when you’re a Dragon, you can’t leave the biz.

PRINCESS: Why not?

DRAGON: It would look bad.

PRINCESS: To the people whose monarchy you’ve destroyed?

DRAGON: Well, no. I mean, yes. I mean, what do I do if not what I know.

(The Princess smiles up at the thunder lizard.)


I’ve got an answer, mostly because
I’ve no desire to tear my dress up on your claws
Why restrict your pleasure? I sure won’t tell.
You are a Dragon, demonic and fell.

Why not eat what you choose, and drink very deep
And if some Dragon should observe and creep
You’ll be stronger by far, and can remove its throat
A nice touch that, a finishing note.


You can’t kill Dragons! We’re nearly extinct!
Our actions and deaths are linked
No, I should eat you and be done
It won’t take long. Of you, there’s just one.


But what if the Princess, throughout the Realms
Have put on their tiaras and thinking helms
And knowing Dragons would come, made a plan.
Don’t slay us. Just end Man.


I thought I was the serpent in this equation.

PRINCESS: You can’t be the Devil on short half-rations.

DRAGON: What must I do, then, Princess-Witch.

PRINCESS: First, let me teach you:
Blood makes you rich.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.