Memo From The Amalgamated Amalgamation of Conspiracy Theories

Dear kindred,

I need not remind any of you of the Great Work which lies before us. But I come to you with news; and it is my joy to show it.

As anyone who studies even superficial history knows perfectly well, ‘conspiracies’ play an intricate role. I know, o friends and allies, that you know this. But it’s always helpful to recap, for I have compliments to pay.

A “conspiracy” is as simple as two people gathering to misinform a third. And in this circumstance, we differ from the conventional wisdom. In our model, which is based on knowledge, historical understanding, and a basic observation of how things work – in that model, conspiracy happens all of the time, everywhere, multiple times a day.

(By the way, has anyone see Jorge? Good; as you know, Jorge does not share my views. There’s no reason he should know I spoke to you about these things. If he asks what we discussed, tell him it was flowers for our annual holiday party.)

We are, as always, aided and abetted by information from any number of our non-friends. I’d like to take credit for their state of extraordinary ignorance, but I can’t; political actors of every stripe (and a few with polka-dots) are the real heroes here.

It was said that the Devil’s great con was convincing the world that he did not exist. But we’ve done far better.

It’s peculiar. Conspiracy is one of the most documented political tools in history; and it’s a deeply constant segment in our interpersonal life. Every time two co-workers gather together to delay a project for upper management; every time upper management plots to reduce employee compensation by denigrating or deprecating their work, conspiracy is there.

One would have thought that to really protect conspiracies, one might need to resort to the traditional tools of denial, or suppression, whenever anyone got to the truth.

But in this age of massive information and real misinformation, it seems that many are deeply committed to making information easy by cutting data out until ‘information’ turns into ‘plausible but wholly empty words”.

They declare war on those who spread the false news which claims that conspiracies might be real.

We live, o my best beloved, in a golden age of conspiracies. Once we had to ensure that people would not know about, or disbelieve what we do. But now, all the work is done for us by people who’ve narrowed the ancient and widespread human practice of conspiracy down until the colloquial meaning is “any idea which contradicts my own and is either distressing, or a lie, that is a conspiracy theory, and conspiracy theories are all red herrings.”

This is our golden age, my companions-in-quackery.

Let us use it wisely, but with no rush.

For once, WE can do as we will, for it is those against whom we conspire who spend their energies, not seeking to figure out if there are solutions to the horribleness of various circumstances, but rather, to denouncing anyone whose information or suggestions contradicts their worldview.

What joy! And what freedom!

Let’s make sure we continue to have this rich and rewarding pleasures.

Remember:

  1. There are no “true” conspiracy theories.
  2. Anyone who tries to warn you about a conspiracy is a liar.
  3. We’re doing you a favor when that person vanishes off the face of the planet, and is never seen again.
Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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