They say Dragons are our friends and allies and we shouldn’t eat them, to which I reply:
Have you MET me?
Now, the beings we call “Dragons” seem to exist slightly out-of-phase with the existence we know, something which was considered far more troubling before the War For Reality got started in earnest and we were forced to question just about everything about the Continuum and the various Grand Meddlers involved. (We’ll discuss that history at another time.)
So for now, we’ll talk about some of the general Dragons one might find in this iteration of the Universe, and how to pick which one suits your appetite.
The General Princess-Kidnapping Dragon
This is one of the most popular sorts of Great Wyrms to cook, for a number of reasons. First, there’s a clear quid pro quo here; it tried to eat us, and we should eat it. Besides, these Dragons are slain more often than just about any others. This is partly because they specifically go ’round trying to consume some of the most dangerous food available. I mean, as we’re all perfectly aware, royalty taste the same as everyone else, as a general rule. Also, to be honest, these are seldom particularly puissant examples of their species. A Dragon of sufficient force hardly needs threaten a Kingdom; she is more likely to either ignore it altogether, or simply consume any part of it she so chooses, whether or not its human inhabitants attempt to make some sort of objection or plea.
These dragons aren’t the toughest in a fight, but the meat is surprisingly gamy. I recommend a simple stew; all you really need are a few fields’ worth of onions, carrots, and celery, and a crock pot the size of a pack of angry wolverines.
Shen Lung
These are the sorts of long, snaky dragons you’ll often find if you spend a lot of time reading books on horoscopes. Unlike most Dragons, they are almost universally inclined towards lawfulness, positivity, and the assistance of humanity, which is why I recommend marinating them thoroughly; otherwise, that kind of do-gooder attitude just sticks in your craw.
Dinosaurs
Don’t be ridiculous. Modern science has proven that the gigantic bones we find, when we dig deep in the Earth, are simply ordinary, garden-variety Wyverns. Dinosaurs aren’t real.
Cosmic Dragons Which Eat The Moon
These are, of course, the most difficult Dragons to kill, what with the fact that you need a weapon slightly larger than Australia to even wound them, and such armaments are difficult to find. (Do not throw Australia at them; that would kill of several endangered species of giant poisonous spider and most of the major varieties of flying crocodile.)
But if you can get one, they’re the most delicious, being stuffed with green cheese. And, of course, they’re Earth-friendly; that is, letting a being of that size fall to Earth is likely to end all life on this planet, which the Earth would probably appreciate right about now.
The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order “I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.
