Denying The Cat: A Tongue Recipe

(From “How To Cook Forty Humans”, our upcoming Villainpunk cookbook.)

Tongue is an ordinary part of many cultural diets. It’s said that the ancient Romans enjoyed lark’s tongues in aspic, although these are also people who spoke Latin for fun, so I’m not sure we have the same standards for what makes a good time.

We’ve all heard the phrase “Has the cat got your tongue?” This is a holdover from ancient times, when cats were not properly placated and frequently went around at night, stealing the tongues of the humans who had foolishly denied them their due. Our recipe is called “Denying The Cat”, because this time, it’s not the cat who gets the delicious, delicious prize…

Now, we would NEVER suggest that you go and steal tongues from humans and cook and eat them. Certainly not. You can get a nice beef tongue at, say, a Kosher butcher. That’s certainly what I do. Yes, indeed. Absolutely. Count on it. I certainly do not keep track of those who attempt to cast malign sorceries in my direction, and remove the organ with which they enact their unwise spellspeaking. Do I look like the sort of individual who disposes of adversaries in a culinary fashion?

….but I digress.


thy tongue,
thy tongue which offended,
tear it out,
tear it out,
and as once it lashed the air
to do me harm,
it now becomes a part of me;
I end your words, Sorcerer,
and I swallow your power,

and I add some apricots,
because apricots are nummy.


And so!




10 ounces can apricots

1/2 cup vinegar

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 tsp basil

1 Tbsp mustard powder

1/2 cup raisins

1 tablespoon of flour

cold water


Boil tongue or “brisket”—yeah, totally, “brisket”—bring to boil twice and throw out the water, in addition to any remaining self-respect you may have.


(All right. You know my secret. As the saying goes, one of the major philosophical desires of certain creatures is to live as high as possible on the food chain by eating everything below. But we’ll just…pretend. Because the supply of excellent meat is scarce, and we don’t need the competition, so we’ll just pretend we hate all this.)


Boil a third time until cooked (about 2 hours), skin and let cool. Cut into thin slices. Place 1 tin apricots syrup and all, in saucepan. Add 1/2 cup vinegar, 1/2 cup sugar, basil, mustard powder, 1/2 cup raisins. Bring to boil. Taste for sweetness preference. Thicken by mixing 1 tablespoon of flour in cold water (see that there are no lumps). Add this slowly to the boiling sauce, stirring all the time, for the required thickness. Pour the sauce over sliced tongue or brisket which has been layered in a flat casserole dish. Bake in oven for about 20 minutes at 350 F Great for a main meal with Vegetables or rice or potatoes, or cold as a sandwich.

And don’t let the cat have ANY.


~Jeff Mach

The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.