Boiling Eggs In Paradise

Now that we finally live in paradise on Earth, many of us are having trouble adjusting to the practicalities of this new reality. As an Approved Blogger, I thought I’d help cushion the transition from the oppressive and tyrannical Old World to the glorious and glowing New World with a nice, homey recipe. I cook boiled eggs with a bit of flair – avec fines herbs.


We’re going to boil the eggs with a bit of extra spice, then salt them judiciously.


Herb Mix (fresh basil, tarragon, parsley, chives and capers, divided.)
1 dozen large brown eggs, organic


First off, you’ll want to set a large bowl full of ice water into the freezer to cool down for a while. This will help us shell the eggs later.

(There is no electricity today, as the electricity is being diverted to the War Effort. A wise citizen will have saved several icicles from that freak hailstorm this past April, and, provided you have not opened your freezer, it may be sufficiently insulated that they’re reasonably intact.)

Next, take a pot of sufficient size, fill it with warm water, and bring to a boil on the stovetop.

(You should be practiced with this, as we’ve all been boiling all of our water since The Occurrence. Or at least, those of us still alive have been doing so. We don’t talk about the shambling Others.)

With broad strokes, brush the spices straight into the roiling water, so that it can be infused with their playful flavors.

(If you have any of these spices, or any spices whatsoever, let me know. I’ll trade anything. A half-bottle of cooking wine? Black-market cigarettes? Whatever you need. Just. Please. Get me some spices.)

Carefully, using tongs or a wooden spoon, place each egg inside the pot.

(These are not chicken eggs. No-one knows what kind of eggs these are. No-one wants to know. Just roll with it. Smile for the cameras.)

Let the eggs stay in the water for ten minutes. Measure using your preferred timer or device.

(This presumes you’re one of the lucky few who possesses a working timepiece, presumably one with a clockwork mechanism, given the widespread effects of the Great EMP. If you’re not, just count your bruises slowly. That should take about the same amount of time.)

Finally, remove the eggs and place them briskly into your icewater. Leave them there for five minutes, so that they’ll be easier to shell.

(There were no icicles. What was in the freezer is best left undiscussed. It’s okay. Lift from the knees.)

Shell the eggs and sprinkle lightly, but firmly, with the sea-salt.

(Why is there no sea-salt? Half this continent is submerged in the ocean; how in the world do we not have any sea-salt?)

Now look on your delicious creation, and celebrate another beautiful day in Paradise!

(Or wherever we are. If anyone figures out where we are, please tell me. Unless I wouldn’t want to know. Use your judgment.)


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.