Please stop calling your current situation the Apocalypse.
Don’t get Us wrong. Whenever you’re reading this, there’s probably something big going on, and you’re quite right to be serious about it. Who knows better than We the fragility, and the import, of each individual human life? We recognize that tragedy and pain are difficult to bear even on a small scale, and that the large-scale is hard even to speak about.
That’s Our word, and we’d prefer you not use it.
Trust Us. You really will know when the Apocalypse comes. We’ve been fairly subtle for over 100,000 years. When We let loose, you’re going to know.
Here are some helpful tips for figuring out if it’s The Apocalypse or not:
1. The Apocalypse will be multi-denominational. I don’t meant that we’re necessarily going to have time to get everyone’s beliefs in. Nor am I telling you on whose behalf, precisely, the Apocalypse happens; you’re really going to have to figure that one out for yourself. But this whole thing where y’all are going around, some of you declaring that it’s the end of the world, some people saying it’s worse, and all of you blaming it on everyone else? That’s not gonna happen. We are the Apocalypse, and when We happen, there’ll be neither time for, nor point in, petty human squabbling. You have all of human history to decide whether or not to spend all your time making each other miserable. When We happen, you will have absolutely no doubt that none of you fool mortals are at the controls.
2. The Apocalypse will not be livestreamed. Nor will it be televised, nor conveyed via telepathy, nor simulcast to your pineal glands, or whatever your current human technology is. The beginning will probably be captured by whatever recording and viewing devices you have. But really, really, we’re going to be everywhere, and we are definitely shutting off your internet, because:
3. The Apocalypse will happen in realtime, in realspace, in person. Sure, there would be tremendous and fitting irony for you to experience all of the agonies of the Apocalypse remotely, staring glued in horror to screens as actual devastation takes place all around you. Very metaphorical and postmodern, We’re sure. But We are The Apocalypse. We are the end of things as you have known them. We do not do irony. There are plenty of beings in the Universe who revel in that sort of thing. We are quite content to embody the literal and figurative destruction of all that your kind has ever known. That will suffice, for Us.
4. Do not stock up on toilet paper. We can’t stress this one enough. REALLY. It WILL NOT DO YOU ANY GOOD WHATSOEVER.
5. There will be fire. There will be ice. This is what you do not know:
We have had long years to ponder, long years to be the Four Horsemen, long years to be the Great Serpent, long years to be the Wolf who Devours the Sun. And in long years, We have decided:
Amongst all else that We do, all the havoc We will wreak, all the change We shall bring, we will throw fire at your idea of Heaven until you no longer want to live there, and we will throw ice at Hell until it no longer burns. Ah, and we have other tools for every Afterlife you can name. We’ll remember to send extra heat to frosty Hel; lots of light to dark Hades; and a number of “Can-do!” fixer-upper types to Pandemonium. For the aforementioned metaphorical heavens and hells, we’ve recruited a series of unemployed English professors to go and post-modernize all of their arguments into gibberish. We can’t do much of anything about Valhalla; but who can?
(This part will be fun for snarky Atheists; but that’s only fair, given how traumatic the rest of this massive supernatural event will be.)
6. Bring popcorn. Because the awful truth is: Humans have empathy, and tragedies, fears, and misfortunes really hurt. But. But.
Humans are also, at heart, strange, wild creatures. The end of SOME things is painful. The end of ALL things is entertaining and hilarious to you nutjobs.
Because when you get down to it, humanity has a very, very weird sense of humor. And when it’s time for you all to go, you’re going to go out laughing.
We, the Apocalypse, are extremely serious. Very, very serious. We are SO serious that, if you actually get Us to laugh, we might leave, just because it’s beneath our dignity.
Now, at the moment, you are doing an excellent job of crushing your artists, your freaks, and your misfits. There’s probably no political side which is safe for them, and they’re an endangered species all around. That could be good news for Us, if we strike quickly.
But we’ve been here before. Your artists are at their most dangerous when they’re most endangered.
Those who laugh in the face of tragedy? Those peculiar, odd-thinking, unherdable mutants?
They’ve been pretty quiet for a while, which is good for Us. But we’re not quite ready. So whatever you do:
DO NOT SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL MADPERSONS, NO MATTER HOW ENTERTAINING THEY ARE! THE WORLD NEEDS TO BE CLEANSED OF THE BLIGHT WHICH IS THE HUMAN RACE, AND THAT’S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO DO IF THE FOUR HORSEPERSONS ARE BUSY GIGGLING LIKE A BUNCH OF SCHOOLGIRLS.
There is even a possibility that this is not actually being written by Us, the esteemed death-bringers of the Apocalypse, but by one of your local madmen, or some equivalent lowlife!
We heartily recommend that you cease reading his works immediately. He is a bad influence. And come to think of it…
…you look like you just might be a bad influence, yourself.
Stop that! Get over here and take your Apocalypse like an adult!
We have roamed the Galaxy for aeons, bringing destruction wherever we went. And now, we’re STUCK on this unfortunate mudball, all because A BUNCH OF APES CAN’T KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE IN TIMES OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR.
Have a little DIGNITY.
Please. Be serious. Just for a little while.
We’ve been trying to get off this pile of dirt for so long.
Please be serious.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.