Recipe by Jeff Mach; Adapted LOW CARB RECIPE by “The Recipe for You”
We sometimes note a certain confusion over the concept of “Tea-time”, in that, for some benighted reason, many seem to believe that this implies a portion of the day wherein one drinks the boiled leaves of certain herbs. In point of fact, there are many different kinds of “tea”. (See Simon & Garfunkel’s “A Simple Desultory Phillipic”.) For example, when we say it’s “time to take a spot of tea”, we probably mean “Earl Grey and crumpets”. If, however, one mentions a “knife and fork tea”, one can presume one is in for what the Continentals might call a meal. Or, as we Dark Lords say, “Never bow your head to say Grace, because the Hobbits will make off with your elevenses.”
I feel compelled to return to the dashing Captain Nemo. Did you see that 1950s version of “20,000 leagues under the Sea” wherein, for reasons explicable only to the authors of said film, the brilliant scientific mind behind a submarine that was literally centuries ahead of its time made the ridiculous and unhelpful choice, for essentially unexplained reasons, to attempt to imitate non-seafood using only the flesh of underwater beasts, resulting primarily in food that looked like ordinary food but tasted disturbingly like fish? If you’re like us, you wonder: “What in the world were they thinking?” Let this be a lesson: many an anti-Hero has found a certain lack of motivation about the world when even world dominion appears likely to bring about a lifetime of elegantly-plated but generally boring meals.
The treasures of the ocean are vast and myriad, and certainly Villains have a long history of enjoying many of the fruits of the Sea, although we still wonder about the wisdom of attempting to win a naval battle with sea monsters; wouldn’t you be better off avoiding the whole damn battle and simple becoming rich from the sashimi?
Because we’re nerds, we keep asking: “Why in the world would Captain Nemo attempt to emulate the land that he hated, instead of making brilliant and sumptuous repasts from the bounty which quite literally surrounded him?”
He wouldn’t. He would totally do cool things with fish. And so we borrowed this recipe from him in an effort to set the record straight.
NOTE: If you are not of a culture which takes tea on a regular basis, you could serve these with coffee, instead. That’s not fatal. On the other hand, unless you are in relatively cosmopolitan company, we suggest renaming this dish; or, at least, we advise against calling the product of this particular recipe ‘tea-cakes’. Have you SEEN the expression on someone’s face when they’re expecting a sweet and get a rich, meaty, somewhat salty taste? ISN’T IT HILARIOUS?
….erm, we mean, ah, “THAT WOULD BE VERY, VERY WRONG. SHAME ON YOU, YOU MONSTER.”
Yield: 24 cakes
Skill Level: 2
Cakes:
12 ounces albacore tuna
1/4 cup finely diced celery
1/4 cup minced fresh chives
1/4 cup avocado mayonnaise
1 large egg
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
1/4 teaspoon Kumana Avocado Hot Sauce
1 1/2 cups finely ground pork rinds
¼ tsp garlic powder
¼ tsp onion powder
¼ tsp ground oregano
Pinch of ground black pepper to taste
Pinch of sea salt to taste
Roasted Pepper-Chive Aioli:
⅓ cup Avocado mayonnaise
¼ cup canned roasted red peppers, chopped and drained
1 tablespoon fresh chives, minced
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon minced garlic
DIRECTIONS:
For Pork rind bread crumbs, combine pork rinds, garlic powder, onion powder, ground oregano, pinch of salt and black pepper and mix in a small bowl. Set aside. Do not eat it all before you can actually apply it to the rest of the disk.
For Cakes: In a large bowl, combine remaining ingredients and mix well but gently. Add ½ cup of the pork rinds mixture in the mix and mix again gently to incorporate.
Put the remaining 1 cup of pork rinds in a shallow bowl. Shape tuna mixture into 24 cakes, each about 2 inches wide and 1/2 inch thick.
Turn each cake in the remaining pork rind mixture to coat on all sides, pressing gently to make pork rind mixture to adhere.
Place cakes slightly apart in an oiled 12- by 17-inch baking pan.
Bake in a 475° regular or convection oven until golden brown, 15 to 18 minutes. With a spatula, transfer crab cakes to a platter.
Roasted Pepper-Chive Aioli: In a blender, mix avo.mayonnaise, roasted red peppers, chives, lemon juice, and minced garlic until smooth. Spoon a dollop onto each cake.
Garnish platter with fresh chives. Serve hot. Beware of sharks.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
