13 Vampire Rules For Life

  1. We certainly do drink…wine. If one is going to spend centuries acquiring a stylish all-black wardrobe, how, precisely, is one going to sit about in bars, brooding and staring off into the distance as if peering into a thousand years of unholy memories and/or fighting off a hangover the size of Transylvania…if one’s simply sitting there, nursing a ginger ale? It’s just not a good look.
  2. Be sure to figure out whether you’re a modern-type Vampire or an old-school Vampire. This is extremely important. Old-school Vampires are generally aristocrats, scions of noble families, wealthy and powerful and ancient. However (and this is a well-known fact) – they are unable to listen to any music written later than 1876, and are required by Vampiric Law to refer to electronic telecommunications as “The Internets”.
  3. In contrast, modern Vampires can do anything modern-day humans can do, including feel endless and unceasing amounts of existential angst. This is a challenge, since the general Vampiric frame of mind is, “Oh, why must I be cursed to this horrifying existence?”, whereas the modern frame of mind is, “Oh, why must I be cursed to this horrifying existence?”
  4. Play with your food. It’s yours, after all. If anyone judges you, bite them.
  5. Bite them anyway.
  6. Many people do not believe in Vampires. Encourage this.  Pretend you’re not real. The more Humanity disbelieves, the more it is helpless in the face of…hm? What? You’re kidding me. Very well, we’ll go on to Rule #7:
  7. Nevermind Rule #6. Embrace the heck out of being a Vamp. Modern humans will think that is the coolest thing ever. Some of them won’t believe you, and this is the time to say, “Hah, I bet I can drink like six pints of your blood.” Some of them will believe you, and this is the time to say, “Hah, I bet I can drink like six pints of your blood.” Either way, you’re going to be happy.
  8. The wise Vampire recognizes the advantages of having both a Swingin’ Single Coffin and a Coffin Built For Two. Or three; I mean, Vampires are extremely sexy. Especially if you’re Vampire Professor Richard Feynman.
  9. Lobby against all the blood on TV. You’re just trying to binge-watch something your friends like; why do they have to spend every other scene making you hungry?
  10. Yes, Tim Burton is the reason you won’t have your own soap opera, and yes, you should be mad about that.
  11. There’s this modern trope where Vampires become less ambiguously villainous by only sucking the life out of Bad People. There’s also an entire Internet out there (see point #2) which is devoted to “finding” Bad People. Conclusion: Vamp whomever you’d like, and when their bodies are discovered, just say, “They were secretly evil. Trust me. They said some horrible things in their tweets 17 years ago.”
  12. If you’re at a Goth Night and someone says, “Where did you get your fangs,” do not say, “Want to find out?” Because no matter how much this ought to be an effective pickup line, this will only get you dragged to a Renaissance Faire. In daylight.
  13. There’s No Such Thing As Vampires. Trust me. Would an ancient mesmeric creature of the night lie?

~Jeff Mach


Here’s my novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN“.

And Evil Expo, the Villain Convention, is coming! Learn more at www.EvilExpo.com!


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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